Alice's joke page
OK, we know dogs can't read very well but they do have a sense of fun & maybe humour too.
Alice likes some of these -
These are supposed to be true notes left for the milkman -
I've just had a baby, please leave another one.
Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.
Cancel one pint after the day after today.
Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.
Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.
Milkman, please could I have a loaf but not bread today.
Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house but two sons on the dole.
Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.
Sorry about yesterday's note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round.
When you leave my milk please knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress.
knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last night's Coronation Street.
If you saw it, will you tell me what happened over a cup of tea?
My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle?
Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me.
Please send me details about cheap milk as I am stagnant.
Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.
now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days
in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk.
back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money out of cup in
drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want to
play bingo tonight.
Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday.
you leave the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and
put newspaper inside the screen door. P.S. Don't leave any milk.
No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice.
How many dogs does it take to......
These are the answers from dogs when asked
"How many dogs does it take to put in a light bulb?"
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp!
Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!
Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . . .
Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Malamute: Let the Border collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.
Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I've got a hangover.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there...
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Jack Russell: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls.
Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
What kind of dog does a vampire prefer ?
Any kind of bloodhound
What dogs are best for sending telegrams ?
Wire haired terriers
What kind of dog sniffs out new flowers ?
A bud hound
. . . . and some from the Edinburgh Comedy Festivals
1) I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again. - Tim Vine
2) I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone. - David Gibson
3) I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them. - Emo Philips
4) I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say “bought”, I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid. - Jack Whitehall
5) As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.
6) Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day. - John Bishop
7) What do you call a kid with no arms and an eye patch? Names. - Bo Burnham
8 ) Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted. - Gary Delaney
10) Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food. Or, if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub - Gareth Richards
I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them. - Emo Philips
1. Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge?, Dan Antopolski
2. I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: This could be interesting. Paddy Lennox
5. I'm sure wherever my dad is; he's looking down on us. He's not dead, just very condescending., Jack Whitehall
6. Going to Starbucks for coffee is like going to prison for sex. You know you're going to get it, but it's going to be rough., Adam Hills
7. To the people who've got iPhones: you just bought one, you didn't invent it!, Marcus Brigstocke
8. A spa hotel? It's like a normal hotel, only in reception there's a picture of a pebble., Rhod Gilbert
9. I've been reading the news about there being a civil war in Madagascar. Well, I've seen it six times and there isn't., Dan Antopolski
10. I started so many fights at my school - I had that attention-deficit disorder. So I didn't finish a lot of them., Simon Brodkin (as Lee Nelson)
Irate golfer, on his way to a round of 150: "You must be the worst caddie in the world!"
Scottish caddie (dryly): "That would be too much of a coincidence, sir."
How many Scotsmen does it take to change a light bulb?
Och! It's no that dark!
Scottish telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.
A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently.
Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.
Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo time aboot time for a wee cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.
Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand
on your leg."
The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. The the two turned once again to gaze out over the lock before the girl spoke again.
"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well,noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."
"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad, nodding.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.
Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first
A young woman, down on her luck, decided to end
it all one night by casting herself into the cold, dark waters of
Sydney Harbour. As she stood on the edge of the dock, pondering her
fate, a young sailor noticed her as he strolled by. "You're not
thinking of jumping, are you?" he jokingly asked. "Yes, yes I am."
replied the sobbing girl.
Putting his arm around her, the kind sailor
coaxed her back from the edge, "Look, nothing's worth that. I tell you
what, I'm sailing off for Europe tomorrow. Why don't you stow away on
board and start a new life over there. I'll set you up in one of the
lifeboats on the deck, bring you food and water every night, and I'll
look after you if you 'look after' me." The girl, having no better
prospects agreed and the sailor snuck her on board that night.
next 3 weeks the sailor would come to her lifeboat every night,
bringing food and water and making love to her until dawn. Then, during
the fourth week, the captain was performing a routine inspection of
the ship & it's lifeboats. He peeled back the cover to find the
startled young woman and demanded an explanation.
The young woman came
clean; "I've stowed away to get to Europe. One of the sailors is
helping me out, he set me up in here and brings me food and water every
night, and, and.......he's screwing me."
The puzzled captain stared at her for a moment before a small grin cracked
his face and he replied; "He sure is darlin', this is the Manly Ferry!"
Aussie and a Kiwi are working on a farm.. The kiwi spots a sheep with
its head stuck in a fence and takes full advantage of the situation.
He yells out to the Aussie.
"Hey bro come and have a go at this.." The
Aussie replies. "Nah mate not interested.."
Kiwi says "cm-on mete its
unreel - no ones watching.."
Aussie still says hes not that keen.. after a
bit more persuasion the Aussie gives in and walks down to
where the kiwi
is.. bends over and jams his head in the fence.
- remember Baa means No!
Alice's NEW "Wash-a-Cat Service"
- Thoroughly clean the toilet.
- Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
- Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
- In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids.
Note: You may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape.
CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body
too close to the edge, as his paws will be
reaching out for any surface they can find.
- Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
- Have someone to open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
- Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
- The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.
This is the world's worst pun but it's about dogs so -
In the early 1700s, the captain of a Spanish
pirate ship was very proud of his mongrel pet
for its ability to bark
once for "Si," and twice for "No." After being captured by a British
the dog was taught the same trick in English. He thereby
became . . . the world's first "Si" and "Aye" dog!
Chemistry cat joke below -
I don't understand it - or maybe I do.
and Philip thinks this one
is funny >>>
enzed joke >>>>> Wiremu,
a New Zealander, was in Australia to watch the Bledisloe Cup and was
not feeling well,
so he decided to see a doctor. "Hey doc, I dun't feel
so good, ey" said Wiremu.
The doctor gave him a thorough
examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced
problems and that the only cure was testicular removal.
"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"
The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure.
Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.
was devastated, but with the Bledisloe Cup just around the corner he
found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last
opinion from someone he could trust.
The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv prostate suckness ey"
"What's the cure thin doc?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.
"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."
"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"